The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
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Author Topic: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support  (Read 3230 times)

Offline Dirty Helga

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The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« on: April 30, 2019, 06:40:51 PM »
Someone shared this document with me and it tickled my funny bone... SHUT UP, SPATRY!

Quote
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen darn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering nonsense over me. I talk... you LISTEN.

2. DO NOT ask me for help and then put me on hold for coffee or other NONSENSE. You asked me, genius! You want my help, stay alert and listen. I have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think I get anything out of a 50 digit hexnumber???

4. DO NOT start off  by saying anything in the neighborhood of, "Hi, how's it going" or "Busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off our back.

5. DO NOT get pissed when I tell you that your system is royally FUBAR or BORKED. I didn't screw it up. It wasn't me. I'm simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT ask me NONSENSE about unrelated products. I DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do I want to. Stop it!

7. I DO NOT manufacture routers, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the stupid thing. YOU DON'T COPY NEWER VERSIONS OVER THE OLD ONE. Can't stress that enough. Its bad practice, and you DESERVE a headache if you do anyways.

8. DO NOT compare "Software A" to "Software B" when something goes wrong with your connection. Even if you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT come over simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the neophyte!

10. DO NOT make us sit there waiting for your next question,  while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT ask for help and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT come whining to us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT come in, and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, my Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't ask for us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your questions. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno NONSENSE to us.

16. DO NOT ask for support if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense. Find a translator, and use English, like the rest of the world.

17. DO NOT ask some other guy,  hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is borked, IT'S BORKED. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's borked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you ask for assistance. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sake, if you can't control yourself and really need help, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

If you BREAK the RULES, I WILL SHOOT YOU!

Offline Spatry

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 06:42:28 PM »
<Shakes head> NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT! This is the most hostile support sheet I have ever seen! In other words:

I LOVE IT!
-Stickied!
Windows assumes the user is an idiot... Linux DEMANDS Proof!

Offline Crimson

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2019, 07:24:46 PM »
#13. I really like it when people come into the shop, lean on the counter with that STUPID grin on their face and say "I'm computer illiterate."
A.) First of all you're NOT the first one to come up with that.
B.) Illiterate does NOT mean a lack of BASIC computer knowledge.
C.) You're simply a lazy, ignorant person and deserve a proper beating.
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Offline Spatry

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2019, 09:18:16 PM »
#13. I really like it when people come into the shop, lean on the counter with that STUPID grin on their face and say "I'm computer illiterate."
A.) First of all you're NOT the first one to come up with that.
B.) Illiterate does NOT mean a lack of BASIC computer knowledge.
C.) You're simply a lazy, ignorant person and deserve a proper beating.
I am sure Helga meant to share this as a SATIRE piece... What makes it so funny is that there is a lot of truth to it. Rather than a Beating, it would probably be better to educate the consumer; although, I will admit that knowledge is better retained where PAIN is involved!
Windows assumes the user is an idiot... Linux DEMANDS Proof!

Offline fchaos

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2019, 09:39:40 PM »
#20 If you are calling a telephone tech support, and there is a long wait time to get an answer... DO NOT spend 15 more minutes complaining to the tech about the long wait times... THAT IS PRECISELY WHY THERE ARE SUCH LONG WAIT TIMES

Know this from experience, as I once worked for the company that subcontracted with Dell to provide assistance for their dial-up internet called dell-net. Every call started off with "why do I have to wait 20 minutes to speak to a tech?" and approximately 15 more minutes of similar complaints.

Offline cage

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 11:35:02 PM »
Reminds me a story I heard about a tech that received a call for support.  The man was frantic because his computer stopped working and would not boot.  The tech walk him through various steps to no avail.  Finally the tech asked him if the power switch on the power supply was switch on and was the computer plugged in.  The man said yes to both, but then said that he was having a power outage.  The tech told him to box up the computer and send it back. I worked in tech support at one time but never had that kind of problem come up. However I did have a caller who couldn't get his printer to work and the cause was that he forgot to plug in the power cord. 

Offline fchaos

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Re: The Unwritten Rules of Technical Support
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2019, 08:33:30 PM »
I heard two great stories from people on the Dell Dimension team when I was on the Dell.net team...

in one story, a woman called tech support because she couldn't get her mouse pointer off the bottom of the screen, it was stuck there... she could not move it because her mouse controller was already all the way at the top of the mouse pad and she could not move it any further up!

in the other story, a woman called to complain that she had everything set up right and the machine wouldn't work... it didn't matter how hard she pressed down on the "foot pedal" with her foot, it just wouldn't run!